I Will Paint Myself Out

You ever have one of those moments where you realize that most of the people you surround yourself with or that you let into your life just want you there-not to be equal parts-but instead want you to fill a number quota? Yeah, I’m having that moment. 

A few months ago, I wrote about how I often feel like I am speaking into a void. How most people nowadays can’t be bothered-does’t matter what for…. They just can’t be bothered. The excuse often given is they are busy. Which before anyone says anything… I understand that. I too am an extremely busy person. I have a full time job, take care of my home and adults responsibilities, have hobbies, and in addition to all that am writing a book series. My time is limited. Yet still, I make room for the people and things and experiences I care about. 

I reply to emails in a timely manner, I respond to text messages, to comments on social media posts, to just about anything that is directed to me. And if I can’t right away… I will apologize for the delayed response because I understand what it feels like to be completely ignored and I don’t want anyone to feel the way I sometimes do. That old saying, “Treat others as you wish to be treated,” rings true. But what I am beginning to see is that a) most people could care less and b) most people won’t treat you the way you treat them unless it falls in line with a convenient time. The other thing I am noticing… When someone starts to succeed in life, the people that were once always there during the chaotic ruins, disappear or make excuses for their lack of support. 

I know all these things are hitting me the way they are because good ole Mercury Retrograde is back but I can only blame this planet for so much before I start looking at the whole picture. Most folks are self-absorbed, self-consumed, jerks that only want someone in their life to support them, to acknowledge them, to make room for them, to make them a priority while they never do anything of the sort. 

A few weeks ago, I told one of my best friends about my book getting published. At first she was excited for me. Which I think just had to do with being surrounded by a crowd that was equally happy for me and not wanting to be that one person to show how she truly felt about the matter. A few days later, her tune changed from someone who was supportive to someone who was convinced this publishing deal was a shit one… not real, not important, a complete scam… if you will. I haven’t spoken to her since. 

Earlier this year, I found a long lost friend who I had been looking for for 20 years! For me, reconnecting with them has been a big deal but as time has progressed, I am learning that this reunion doesn’t hold the same weight on their end. Which to be honest, I’m not exactly sure why I ever thought it would? I was delusional to believe that I impacted this person the way they impacted me. Part of me wishes they were still long and lost… at least with this, I still would have believed I mattered. 

The thing is, I wear my heart on my sleeve. So much so that years ago I got a tattoo to reflect that. A stick figure, shaky in the knees and bending over because of the huge weighted heart they are carrying on their back. It’s not the happiest of tattoos but it exemplifies who I am as person. I carry this love around only while people take bits and pieces when it’s convenient for them. Leaving me broken and bruised from feeling used. 

Some say to walk away from this type of toxicity but truth be told, I don’t want to walk away from anyone…. Those that I actually have walked away from are few and far in between and they, in fact, handed me the metaphorical scissors to cut all ties to begin with. It was never me that said, “We are through.” It was their decision and I acted accordingly. I gave them what they wanted and disappeared completely. Yet I, no matter that fated ending, still silently in the background cheer them on wanting them to be successful in life. That’s just me though. 

You could say I sound like I am having a pity party for one and in a way, I sorta am. I won’t deny this. But to be fair, I am just over reaching out to people I consider important only to be rejected by this one belief: They are important to me but I don’t mean a damn thing to them. 

I don’t know how millions of people conduct their daily lives that are jammed packed with responsibilities and things going on while still making time for others when others come up with every excuse in the book for why they can’t squeeze out a minute of time for someone who just wants to maintain some form of a 21st century style relationship. 

It’s not that you're too busy, it’s just that you’re too busy for me. So let’s stop the charade and call it what it really is…you have all the time in the world for just about everything you want in your life and it’s me that you don’t want. I’m the easiest thing to let go of because you always know, no matter what… I will always show up. 

Furthermore, if you are that damn busy that you just can’t bear to respond or maintain a friendship in the supportive manner in which you should… maybe take some time management lessons? Maybe take some course on how to treat people in your life? You have 24 hours in a day… Figure it the fuck out because this shit ain’t cutting it.

It’s not that you can’t be supportive, it’s just that you don’t want to be when it comes to me. That’s too much to ask. 

“Oh, I’m sorry… is responding to that comment, text message, email, a way to fucking communicate too much for you? Does that whole five seconds it takes to show someone else you see them throw your whole day off?” 

“Oh, I’m soooooo sorry that after years of struggling, I am struggling no more and being supportive of that throws you into an angry tailspin.”

“Oh, forgive me for assuming the best in you even when you continue to show me the worst.”

I’m tired ya’ll. Fucking exhausted. And not because I need sleep but because the ME, ME, ME mentality is bleeding my fucking soul dry. 

Fine. You want me to not bother you… I won’t. Tell me your busy one more fucking time and watch me show you how busy I can be. Tell me you can’t support my dreams one more fucking time and watch me remove myself from being one of your biggest cheerleaders. I will treat you the way you treat me and when you are sad about that, look to yourself as the reason why. I didn’t create this or want things this way… They were forced upon me from you and by you. Not the other way around. I’m not a store open when you want it to be. I’m not your pet, waiting for you to feed me the left over crumbs you can spare. I’m not that desperate for people in my life and if that means, I’m mainly running in solo circle, oh fucking well. I guess being alone is far better than feeling alone anyway. 

And yeah, it might seem like this post is indirectly aimed at two people at this current moment but these two individuals are the icing on the cake. They are the feathers finally breaking a table that is already being crushed by this type of behavior done by so many before them. They aren't fully to blame and they might be taking the blogging brunt of it all but it’s these two that are the ones that are hurting me the most right now. I cat help it. I honestly wish, I didn’t give two shits. I honestly wish I was like my sister and my father… devoid of emotions and feelings. I wish I had a heart of stone and could use people or situations, the way people and situations use me. 

About eight years ago, a boss told me that the greatest lesson in life-when it came to other people-is learning not to expect someone to reciprocate how you treat them. It’s been the hardest damn lesson for me to learn and I still don’t get it! In fact, I hate it. I’m not ready to turn to my back on people. I’m not ready to become a cold, frigid bitch. I’m not prepared to be constantly disappointed by the folks I carry in such high regard. Furthermore, I don’t want to lose anymore relationships but then again, am I really losing them in the first place? I mean, it’s becoming apparently clear that I was the only one that cared anyway and this lonely one way road has now become too much. This isn’t how I want things to be but at the same time, what else should I do? What more can I do? Absolutely nothing. I can’t force myself into someone’s life. I can’t beg for attention or show up or demand support. All I can do is walk away. All I can do is sit with this heart that’s been broken by people I truly adore and love. 

I will get stronger though. I know I will. I know this stinging sensation will subside and I know just like always those same people that couldn’t and wouldn’t make time for will miss me one day. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even a year from now… but they will eventually. They will wonder about me. They will miss how I always made them feel seen and heard and supported. They will hurt, the way I am hurting now because they will realize I was special and they should have never treated me the way they once did. 

Before I end this post, I just have to say this… It’s something I often say and have said more so in the past two years. We all have seen how life is fleeting and how in a flash a person can be taken away. People are more important than things and relationships… whatever those may be are special and should be looked after, respected and equally taken care of. Life isn’t about post likes… it’s about human connections. Stop acting like the people in your life don’t matter. Stop acting like they will always be there regardless how you treat them because you know what, one day they won’t be there. One day they will understand being the only one to maintain such a thing, isn’t worth it any longer. A move you showed them how to do. 

Until next time…

Yours, 

The Blogging Bae